Doctor Sparkles

Lyrics

K: Grampa, do you remember the Wild West?
G: Well, Kiddo, hand me my pipe and I’ll tell you a tale…

Out of the Wild West some reckoned, others guessed,
Most lacked enough interest to think to write it down.
One thing’s for certain – a stranger came to town.

K: What was his name?
G: Well, that’s just it. He didn’t have one. But some called him Doctor Sparkles…

DS:
I’ve come today from places so far away. How I got here I’ve not a clue.
My healing mobilia domicilia cabaret is at your disposal. Howdy do?
Far out notions, swine flu potions, hemorrhoidal cream.
Karmic triage or massage by ultraviolet beam
And introducing cannabis, the herbal wonder, uncontested safest medicine in the West!

K: Isn’t that the medicine you use, Grampa?
G: That’s right, kiddo. It works great, which is why some were none too happy that he was telling everyone about it… like Barnacle Bob…

BB:
Dude, I’m Barnacle Bob. Don’t make me be an asshole
A barnacle’s been a’growin out my face.
I used to surf around these crappy waters.
Just where my heart rot out I cannot place.

K: Grampa, I thought you said this was a Western?
G: Well, it is, Kiddo. Hawaii’s about as far west as you can go. Barnacle Bob was a washed up surf punk turned methamphetamine dealer. You stay away from them, Kiddo, or you might have a barnacle growing out of your face or worse. They’re about the orneriest drug around ‘cept for mayhaps them oxycodones. But I’m getting’ ahead of myself. Ol’ Barnacle Bob was mad, and he warned Dr. Sparkles to git or be sorry. Ya see, nobody in their right mind’s gonna use meth when they can smoke Pakalolo.
K: Pakalolo?

DS:
Pakalolo, marijuana, ganja, hemp, dope, reefer, hash, otherwise known as cannabis. Smoke it, eat it, rub it in your skin. Relax the mind and body so the healing can begin.

You can bakem. You can strokem.
You can burnem. You can smokem.
Pakalolo…

G: Well, people can get a bit silly on pakalolo. Of course, one doctor was none too pleased that the townsfolk were having such a fun time on the good doctor’s medicine. In fact, he saw it as downright competition.
K: Who grampa?
G: None other than the world famous pain specialist, Dr. Prick.

DP:
Who do you think you are holding this seminar?
These townsfolk don’t require your snake oil quackery.
I suggest you leave or you’ll be sorry.

DS:
Scary is a thought which makes you question all that’s taught
But finding you’re a fool can be amusing
The question that I ask is this:
Is cannabis a medicine or vice or vice versa,
If safe, effective and enjoyable when using?

It’s safer than cocaine and heroin too, safer than methamphetamine.
It’s safer than aspirin, acetaminaphen, hydrocodone, oxycodone, methadone, morphine.
It’s safer than vaccines, fluoride and caffeine, high fructose corn syrup, aspartame.
It’s safer than alcohol, beer and tobacco and pure cane sugar from Hawaii.

K: Safer than sugar?
G: That’s right, kiddo. More than a little bit of sugar’s bad for your teeth and metabolism and makes kids go plum loco. And speaking of loco. Dr. Prick and Barnacle Bob were crazy mad at Dr. Sparkles for undermining their business and were about to gang up on the good doctor when who should show up but the local taroists.
K: Terrorists? Yikes!
G: Not terrorists, kiddo, tar-O-ists, them back to the old Hawaiian way folks.

LT:
Support your local taroist
From farming swamp to poi.
Help the keiki get da gist.
Feed da woman in da girl and the man inside da boy.
Support your local taroist.

G: Now them taroists aim to live simply, but they ain’t no dummies. They figured that if it’s safe for the messenger, that the message was safe for them. So they tied the three up and forced ‘em to take their own medicine for a whole day.
K: Oh no! What happened?
G: Well, it didn’t take too long ‘fore Barnacle Bob OD’d on that crystal meth he was dealing, and Dr. Prick didn’t last too much longer on them oxycodones he was prescribing. Both keeled over and croaked.
K: What about Dr. Sparkles?
G: Well, kiddo, after smoking that weed all day, he got the most intense case of the munchies, ate so much poi them taroists named him an honorary member.
K: I guess cannabis really is “The safest medicine in the West”, Grampa. Say, is that baked spaghetti done yet?
G: Baked to perfection.